décembre 14, 2011

A Summary of Episode 11

Gwen:

Goddamn I cannot believe I am literally shovelling shit for a living. No other future Queen would stand for this, y'hear? Would Arwen shovel shit for Aragorn?! NO. I DIDN'T THINK SO-

Helios:

PILLAGE ALL THE VILLAGES!

Gwen:

OH HOT DAMN-

Helios:

WAIT! Her face is far too pretty to bludgeon! OH GOD. OH HOLY JEEZUS LAWD. I WANT HER.

Gwen:

But-

Helios:

MY PRECCIIOUUSS.

Gwen:

Aw shit.

Arthur:

By the way guys, even though it's only been about two weeks since I catapulted Gwen out of Camelot despite being irrevocably in love with her, I now intend to marry a princess I have never met before.

Merlin:

What the-

Gaius:

SMILE AND WAVE, BOYS, SMILE AND-CLAP, I MEAN CLAP.

Merlin:

SOUNDS LEGIT! YAY ENGAGEMENT!!1!!11!

Arthur:

I'm so clever!

Merlin:

No, I'm sorry. I can't pretend to be happy. Just. Arthur, what the fuck? You can't do this-

Arthur:

OH WAIT WHAT'S THAT THE SOUND OF? OH, IT'S MY BURGER KING CROWN. I can do whatever the fuck I like!

Merlin:

But what about Gw-

Arthur:

IF YOU SPEAK HER NAME I WILL PERSONALLY TEAR OFF THOSE GORGEOUS EARS OF YOURS AND STUFF THEM UP YOUR NOSTRILS AND THEN PUT YOUR OWN FISTS IN YOUR MOUTH SO YOU CAN'T BREATHE AND THEN I WILL EXILE YOU TOO DESPITE YOU BEING MY BEST FRIEND AND SOMETIMES LOVER BECAUSE I'M A GIGANTIC BASTARD AND THEN YOU WILL DIE MERLIN, YOU WILL DIE.

Merlin:

...You're such an asshole this series I cannot even.

Agravaine:

Owen, Y U NO GIVE ME SECRET PLANS FOR THE SIEGE TUNNELS?!

Owen:

...Because they're secret?

Agravaine:

UNEXPECTED VIOLENCE.

Owen:

*Dead*

Morgana:

You're late, you little bitch.

Agravaine:

At least I didn't jump you this time lol bff 4 lyfe <33

Morgana:

...Just give me the plans before I peel your face off.

Agravaine:

OH. YEAH. FUNNY STORY. REALLY. UH. YEAH. TOTALLY JUST. ABOUT THAT. UM. THE THING IS. I MEAN. IT'S QUITE FUNNY NOW I LOOK BACK ON IT-

Morgana:

You haven't got them have you?

Agravaine:

...No.

Morgana:

Goddess holy old religion of magic and lesbians give me strength, GO AND GET THEM YOU CATASTROPHIC FAILURE OF A VILLIAN.

Agravaine:

But if I get caught I'll die!

Morgana:

SWEET SISTERLY INCEST, AGRAVAINE. YOU ACT LIKE I EVEN CARE.

Agravaine:

Gwen:

Why am I dressed like a sex slave-

Helios:

HELLO!

Gwen:

Oh.

Mithian:

Guys, guys, your FACES. YOUR. FACES. Y'all weren't expecting me to look so drop dead gorgeous were you? WELL BOOM HAVE SOME FLAWLESSLY PLUCKED EYEBROWS AND EXQUISITE ALABASTER SKIN ALL UP ON YOUR HD TELEVISION SCREENS LIKE AWWW YEAAA.

Arthur:

I am actually speechless. I have more chemistry with you in 5 seconds than I ever did with Gwen in the entirety of this show.

Mithian:

HELL YEAH YOU DO. BITCHES BEST BE RECOGNIZING.

Agravaine:

I'm being sketchy and making it look like Owen was a traitor!

Helios:

Let's writhe and dine-

Gwen:

What-

Helios:

I mean wine, WINE and dine. I am clearly not objectifying you in any way whatsoever.

Gwen:

It's ok I'm kind of used to it by now. The females on this show don't really get a fair representation-

Writers:

EXCUSE US, GWEN. DID WE JUST HEAR FEMINISM AGAIN?

Gwen:

But my sole purpose on this show has been reduced to-

Writers:

CASE DISMISSED, PLEASE CONTINUE FLASHING YOUR BELLY THROUGH YOUR DRESS.

Gwen:

GODDAMN.

Helios:

By the way, your ex-girlfriend will be joining us.

Gwen:

OH FUCK THIS! I AM OUT OF HERE.

*That awkward moment when Gwen and Morgana have the most intense moment of the whole series merely by walking past each other silently*

Helios:

Do you have the plans?

Morgana:

No, but I will offer you sexual favours if you win me the throne.

Helios:

DONE AND DONE.

Morgana:

Although, can I just say, why is it that the women on this show always have to rely on the strength of a man to-

Writers:

NOPE.

Morgana:

Oh.

Leon:

Owen's dead.

Agravaine:

DEAR OH DEAR I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING GOOD LORD HAVE MERCY ON HIS DELICATE INNOCENT SOUL.

Gaius:

Merlin, you look like a sulky bitch again.

Merlin:

I'm thinking.

Gaius:

Please don't.

Merlin:

TOO LATE.

Gaius:

....Has anybody noticed I'm wearing a pretty new green poncho this series-

Leon:

Owen's dead.

Gaius:

Oh, look! I found a dramatic plot device!

Agravaine:

GIVE THAT HERE OLD MAN THIS IS THE KING'S BUSINESS.

Arthur:

So...what...what does this letter mean?

Agravaine:

Basically the nub and gist of it is that you have to let me into the vault where all the secret plans are kept and then leave me to my own sketchy devices.

Arthur:

Sounds legit.

Agravaine:

MORGANA! I have your plans! Please love me-

Morgana:

Urgh, just skulk around in the background while I do some cool glowy magic shit would you?

Agravaine:

*Forever alone*

Arthur:

I think I'm actually starting to like Mithian.

Merlin:

JEALOUS MAGIC PRANKS ALL UP IN YOUR JAM.

Morgana:

SOMEBODY IS LISTENING IN ON OUR SECRET EVIL MEETING, HELIOS.

Helios:

It can't possibly be that random woman I found who didn't reveal anything about her background to me because clearly there was some sketchy shit that went on in her past and-

Morgana:

SHE'S THE FUTURE QUEEN, YOU RETARD.

Helios:

Oh.

Gwen:

And suddenly, wet Gwen on your screen!

Arthur:

I LOVE PICNICS.

Mithian:

ME TOO OMG.

Merlin:

Fuckers! *Magic*

Arthur:

BURP.

Mithian:

LOL WUT.

Arthur:

I SAID BUUURRRPPP.

Mithian:

OMFG NO WAY I BURP TOO.

Arthur:

WE'RE LIKE SHREK AND FIONA.

Merlin:

I should resign.

Gaius:

Ok.

Merlin:

No, really, I'm going to resign and cause a shitstorm.

Gaius:

Ok.

Merlin:

Wah.

Mithian:

I realise you don't seem to like me and my BAMF personality. Is it because you and Arthur have an epic bromance?

Merlin:

Well-

Mithian:

It's ok, I ship you guys too. OT3 anyone?

Merlin:

And suddenly I like you.

Gwen:

OH SHIT DO I HEAR A HORSE OH HELL NO-

Morgana:

GWEN COME BACK.

Gwen:

NO!

Morgana:

LET ME LOVE YOU!

Gwen:

NO!

Morgana:

WOULD YOU STOP RUNNING FOR A MOMENT JEEZUS CHRIST ANYBODY WOULD THINK YOU'RE TRYING TO RUN 500 MILES TO CATER WITH SUE-

Gwen:

Go away! You've done nothing but try and kill me every time we've had a scene!

Morgana:

I'm just trying to show you my love. And killing is the only way I know how.

Gwen:

THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE-

Morgana:

BOOM BITCH.

Gwen:

OHCRAPI'MUNCONSCIOUSTHISMUSTBEHOWMORGANAFEELSBASICALLYEVERYEPISODE-

Morgana:

And now for my next magic trick...FERA VERTO.

Gwen:

...That's Harry Potter, you dunce-

Morgana:

OH RIGHT. I MEAN: ASLDKGDGDGKDHGLEUEBRMSCISODGNEASDGHJKL.

Gwen:

You've turned me into a deer? Really?

Morgana:

DON'T JUDGE ME I'VE LIVED ALONE IN A HOVEL IN A WOOD ALL SERIES.

Merlin:

Oh. Gwen's a deer. Fancy that.

Arthur:

I'MMA SHOOT THAT DEER DEAD.

Merlin:

I DON'T THINK SO *MAGIC*

Mithian:

GET OUTTA THE WAY BOYS, I AM TOTALLY ON THIS!

Merlin:

Aw crap.

Arthur:

E'GAD. THE RING! THE RING OF ROMANCE! ON THE FOREST FLOOR! OH. OH MY HEART. WOE AND ANGST. FUCK THIS. FUCK YOU MITHIAN. FUCK EVERYONE. THE HUNT IS OVER!

Mithian:

I literally do not even-

Merlin:

GWWWEEEENNNN?

Gwen:

I've been shot in the leg! LIKE GODDAMN. I AM DONE WITH THIS FUTURE QUEEN FUCKERY. I AM DONE. JUST LET ME DIE.

Merlin:

No I saved you.

Gwen:

Oh.

Merlin:

I'm now not going to apologise for watching you drag that cart out of Camelot on your own.

Gwen:

Oh.

Merlin:

And I'm not going to try and console you in any way really.

Gwen:

Oh.

Merlin:

I think Arthur might still love you but he's kinda courting a princess.

Gwen:

Oh.

Merlin:

Well, I 'gotta go. TXT U L8TER GURLFRI3ND!!11!1

Gwen:

Oh.

Merlin:

By the way, Arthur, Agravaine is a traitor WHO WOulD hAVE GUESseD?!

Arthur:

No he's not. The plans are still here like DUH. Now if you say anything else I'm going to exile you because that's what I do to all my friends and fiancés.

Merlin:

You're such a fair King. Thanks for looking into the whole Agravaine-might-be-a-traitor scenario. It's really good to see you following up accusations in case they might actually be true. It's not like basically every time I've accused somebody of something it's turned out I've been right. I hope episode 12 bites you on the ass real hard.

Arthur:

I'm now asking for your advice.

Merlin:

Bitch, please.

Arthur:

SPEAK TO ME WITH YOUR WORDS.

Merlin:

OH FINE. YOU STILL LOVE GWEN, SHE STILL LOVES YOU ALTHOUGH FUCK KNOWS WHY, YOU'RE THE FUTURE KING AND QUEEN, DESTINY AND FATE AND SHIT. MAN UP.

Arthur:

K thx.

Mithian:

So we're not getting married?

Arthur:

No, I'm in love with the woman I banished on pain of death.

Mithian:

...Is showing love through murderous rage a Pendragon trait or...?

Arthur:

Yes.

Morgana:

Yes.

Mithian:

OK COOL, GLAD I'M BACKING THE FUCK UP HERE BYE BYE CAMELOT YOU'RE ALL BATSHIT CRAZY, I HOPE THAT GWEN BITCH SORTS SHIT OUT WHEN SHE GETS HER CROWN BECAUSE I'M NOT SIGNING ANYTHING UNTIL THERE'S SOMEBODY SANE ON BOARD OK SPEAK SOON.

Arthur:

I'm saying something about being angsty that Gwen kissed someone else but nobody really cares anymore.

Merlin:

I'm knocking things over because LOL hilarity!

Arthur:

As if there was any doubt you were a clumsy shite.

Merlin:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Arthur:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.